Wander Life

Plans for next year

[This is part of an email that I wrote to a friend of mine that pretty much sums up the graduate school drama.]

As for me...uuuuuuuggggghhhh. What sound does that make? I'm not sure what it means, but I think it's supposed to express tiredness, being drained in every possible way and kind of in that "I'm tired just thinking about my life, let alone telling someone about it" mind frame. But, I don't mean any of that in a bad way. It's just one of those feelings that really hard to express. But I'll give it a shot.

So, I think I'll just bust out the facts for you: so, yeah, I'm not going to grad school next year. I didn't get into Western Washington or Portland, but I wasn't too discouraged since I still had applied to two other schools. But then I heard from Boise, and they said that they were really sorry but that their director of the creative nonfiction program suddenly quit and that they weren't going to have the program this coming year. They said I something about going into the fiction/poetry program if I wanted, but I really did have my heart set on the creative non-fiction track.  But, I thought, "Ok, if I don't get accepted into Alaska, I'll move to Boise, work for a year or two and then start the program when they start it back up," (which, they said, might be in two years). I had really wanted to start grad school this fall, but the prospect of living near Jake and just making some money for a while and kind of taking it easy for a bit (as far as getting emotionally invested in stuff or having to do anything too terribly challenging)...well, honestly, that kind of appealed to me (sometimes being comfortable is kinda nice, you know!).

Well, anyway, I just heard from Alaska, and they actually had to cut their program, as well (due to funding). I had been really thinking I'd end up in Alaska, but Boise would be okay too. That's what I wanted. Everyone around here (the Chinese staff at the school and all the Organization peeps) have all been trying to convince me to stay here pretty much since day one, but my excuse of hoping for grad school was my golden ticket out of that. I seriously did not want to stay here another year.

Don't get me wrong - it's a great place to be: lots of exciting stuff in regards to doing things, great people, great questions, the best teaching experience thus far...really, it's a good place to be. But I just kept thinking that this is not what I should be doing - I am not a teacher! Pouring myself into every single lesson plan, totally tapping every once of any creative energy I ever had, writing a curriculum from scratch and just doing it from day to day because I had no time to plan anything, grading papers and writing lessons in all my spare time...it seriously is too much for me. Some days, I just wonder how I'll get through another week without collapsing in exhaustion. But...of course, I am sustained, and I know it's good for me to practice dependence on someone bigger than me and all that (something I've never been any good at)....

Anyway, when I heard from Alaska, I said, "Ok, I'll move to Boise when I get home," and right then, I mean, right when I thought it, I just knew it wasn't right. You know me well enough to know that I prefer making decisions based on intellect - not emotions or "feelings" or whatever...but, I really just knew. I knew that what I wanted to do wasn't what I should do. And I was kind of like, "What?" (imagine it said in a really whiney voice, and you'll get a better picture). I was like, "Don't do this to me. You know
I don't want to commit to a whole other year here - I just can't do it." And it was just kind of like, "Yeah, you can do it. And in case you haven't realized, what you want isn't always what's best - I got it figured out, so just go with me on this." So...in a matter of 3 hours, I went from "I'm never teaching again after June!" to "Ok, sign me up for another year."

Again, my feelings regarding this whole turn of events (not the final decision so much as the whole process) would best be described with "uuuuuuggggghhhhhhh." But, I must admit, I am totally at peace with my decision 'cause...well, it's actually kind of freeing when you don't have to worry about what you want. I know I wouldn't choose to come back on my own accord - I know it's gonna be tough, and I know I'm going to miss being comfortable back home and being around my family and seeing my nieces and all. I know all that going in...and I know that if I just did what I wanted, I'd go back home...and then, in like a month, I'd be totally discontent. I know that no matter what I think will make me happy, I won't be if I'm outside of His will. He's clever that way. : )

So, anyway, there's the long and the short of it. It looks like I won't even be home this summer 'cause the Organization has asked me to lead a summer team of college students out by the Kazakhstan border. When they asked me, it was kind of funny because by then, I had pretty much given up trying to argue, so I didn't even bother thinking about what I wanted. : ) I was just like, "Ok, is this what you want me to do, too? If you work it out, if I'm able to change my plane ticket, and everything...then, ok, I'll do it." (Imagine that being said in a voice of total resignation). : ) 

I just keep having to remind myself that my job is not to figure it all out. Instead, I'm just supposed to make myself available.  It's funny 'cause that's, by far, the easier of the two things...yet, we always seem to opt for the fomer, don't we?  What funny creatures we are, huh?  We make things so much harder on ourselves than we would really have to....  Hmmm.... Points to ponder, I guess.  Along with all the millions of other things to think about.  : )  Thank goodness for the likes of C.S. Lewis, ay?

Anyway, I am happy*, really (*in a hard-to-describe kind of way). I mean, the fact that I'm going to be used at all is pretty doggone amazing, and I am thankful for that ('cause heaven knows I don't deserve it).

part 3: the end

(continued from previous post...check out the photo album on the sidebar)

We woke up, had the free Chinese breakfast (mostly drank tea - I love Chinese food, but Chinese breakfast is one thing that just hasn't grown on me - noodles and meat and hot veggies...they just don't seem like morning foods) and checked out.  We were able to store our packs in their luggage room, so that was nice that we didn't have to lug those around all day, especially since we were hiking.

First, we hiked up some "mountain" to a temple.  Then we came back down and ate noodles. Then we caught a taxi to this town called Tar-Se (or something like that), which was a half hour away.  The Tibetan influence was really strong there, and it was quite a tourist destination due to the big monastery there.  I, of course, had kind of had my fill of monasteries after my time in Tibet, but I was glad that the other girls got a chance to see it (even though it's hard to be around - it's just so depressing).

Anyway, after hiking around there, we taxied back to our hotel, grabbed our stuff, went to the train station, got dinner to go at a nearby restaurant and jumped on the train.  We rode hard sleeper this time, so again, it was English lesson time.  K and I were on the middle bunks, though, so we escaped to our books.  : )  The four of us also played cards again...and then slept...and then rolled into Yinchuan about 7:30am.

So...that was the trip.  Now, of course, I have a ton of grading and lesson planning (and e-mailing) I need to catch up on...but it was a fun, and I'm glad I went.

part 2

(continued from previous post...be sure to check out the pictures in the sidebar photo album)

So, what happened was we just started walking down the road, and people started calling for us to come and eat at their little restaurants.  We asked one of them where a hotel was, and he took us down this little road that was behind the restaurants, and voila: there was, indeed, a hotel there.  Unfortunately, there was quite literally, no room in the inn.  But, the guy, either out of pity or out of wanting to make a little extra money, offered us a bed...in a bathroom.  I don't know if my pictures will do it justice, but we were actually sleeping in a defunct shower.  There was some
sort of box with a mattress on it, though, so, it certainly worked.  And it was much better than sleeping outside in the cold and rain.  It was strange, though, because I guess that's where his family slept.  He took us up there, and shooed all these kids and a lady out and then told us that they were his five kids and his wife.  The four of us were pretty well packed in there, so it's hard to imagine a family of 7 in there...but I guess it shouldn't really surprise me.  I saw the family go into some other room with some mattresses, so I was glad that they weren't thrown out into the cold on our behalf.

Anyway, the next morning, we asked the hotel owner (or manager) how we could get to Bird Island, and he said it was another two hours by car.  We didn't see any taxis around, so when he offered to take us (for a fee, of course), we decided it was our best bet.  He was an incredibly slow driver and was ever so eager to practice his English with us (he didn't really know any except a few random phrases), but, finally, we did make it there.  The lake is China's largest salt-water lake, and, true to its name, there were quite
a few birds there - birds pretty similar to the ones we see near the beach.

After a couple hours there, we went back to our hotel and then caught a random bus back to Xining.  They played an old Jackie Chan movie, so, that was kind of entertaining.  : )

At about 6pm, we got into the city and then caught a taxi and told him the name of a hotel we had read about in the Lonely Planet guide book.  It was a very decent place.  It even had a shower...that we didn't have to sleep in.

After cleaning up, we went next door to a "Western restaurant," that had a really nice menu...but ended up not really having anything on their menu. They did, though, have a Chinese version of a pizza, and I didn't think it was half bad.  Of course, I was really hungry, so I guess that's not saying a lot.

Then we just played cards until midnight and went to bed.  The next day....

Qinghai Trip, part 1

We had a week-long vacation here recently, and I went on a trip to Qinghai with K and 2 other girls. I posted the photo album of the trip on the sidebar, so after you read the story you can look at the pictures. Or look at the pictures first and then read the story. Or whatever your fancy is.

So, I'll start with Tuesday evening.  N, K and I went to M's apartment (she teaches at another university in Yinchuan) and had dinner.  Then we said goodbye to
N, and we three girls went to the train station and, at 9:30pm caught our overnight 13-hour train ride for Qinghai province.  We rode soft-sleeper (which is the nicest way to travel by train; the worst is hard seat, then soft seat, then hard sleeper, then soft sleeper).  Soft sleeper is nice because you have a compartment with a door that you can close.  The plague of the foreigner on a train is that you'll end up giving English lessons the whole time if you aren't careful.  For this reason, a door would be nice.  Unfortunately, it was really hot, so we had to choose between being treated like an English-teaching machine/zoo exhibit/getting smoked out by all guys who insisted on doing their smoking in our doorway or baking alive (since our window didn't open).  We tried sweating it out, but it really was intolerable.  So, instead, we entertained the other passengers.  Actually, I should say that K and M entertained them.  I was on the top bunk and was too hot to move or talk...so instead pretended to be asleep.  : )

So, at about 10:30am, we arrived in Xining, Qinghai (Xining is the capital city, and Qinghai is the province - west of Ningxia).  We met L in front of the station (she is another Organization teacher who teaches about 3 hours south of us, in Guyuan - she was there visiting her Chinese tutor's family).

The four of us then went to the bus station and bought tickets to go to the lake, but they didn't have any seats available until the 6pm bus.  So, we had the whole afternoon to hang around the city.  Despite having our big packs with us, we still managed to do quite a bit of wandering.  We had lunch and did some street shopping.  Then it started to rain, though, so we sought refuge in our coffee house we found by flagging down a taxi and saying, "Cafe?"  Some things are just universal, I guess.

When it came time to take our bus, we went back to the station...and that's when things started getting sketchy.  First, our taxi driver said that our tickets were not for Qinghai Lake.  So, we asked a bus station attendee, and she said that yes, they were.  We were vaguely directed out into this courtyard of busses, and people kept trying to convince us to get on their bus, even though we already had tickets.  Finally, we asked another attendee, and he pointed us to presumably "the right one."  Our bus then left on time and wasn't even half full.  But after about two blocks, it pulled into some sort of shipping yard and stopped.  There, we waited (for
an hour...on the bus) as they loaded bags and four live dogs underneath the bus with our luggage and then began to pack more people onto the bus.  There were only 40 seats, but once they were filled, they pulled out these little footstools and put 10 more people in the already very tight aisle.  I didn't really mind having some guy's head six inches from my elbow, but once all the men started lighting up their cigarettes, it did get mighty stuffy in there.

Luckily, it was only a two-and-a-half-hour trip.  It was supposed to be four hours, but at 9:30pm, the bus driver pulled over to the side of the road and instructed us (just the four of us foreigners) that this is where we were to get off.  So, here we were, in the dark...and the rain...without a clue of where we were.  We asked the driver where a hotel would be, and he just pointed down the sole road that was there and jumped back on the bus and took off....

Just Hey

Hey, hey.  Just wanted to check in with ya.  I've been fighting a bit of a cold, but it's not too bad.  And this week went well - talked about cause and effect with my freshmen and about discrimination with my grads.  Today, I showed the first part of Remember the Titans in my grad class, as it went along well with our discrimination topic.  I remember showing that movie to our movie elective class when I taught in Changchun, too - it's really a great one for discussion.  Plus, they get a lot of American culture and history, what with intergration and football.  : )

Anyway, it's a nice rainy day here, so I think we're going to head down to the coffee shop to do our work there - I can take papers to grade....  I went for a run this morning, and it was just like being back home - nice and rainy. :)

Last night, a couple of the Russian music teachers at another local
university gave a concert, so we went to that.  The guy played the violin, and the girl was on the piano - they were amazingly good.  I guess it's the only music program in the area.  Fine arts is not commonly a big deal in China - for many of the students there, it was the first time they'd ever been to a concert.